Agony Lad

Dumb boy with heart of gold

"Dear Mookychick,

Look, I'm not going to try to bore you with silly little details or anything like that. But I'll do my best to construe the situation to you as best as possible.

I consider myself not to be a dumb boy. From all the guides I have read, I am apparently doing everything right. I compliment her, I support her when she decides to do something, but at the same time I try not to be too clingy. And in all honesty she's someone I feel close to.

But there's a problem.

First off, I'd like to get something cleared up. I'm not going out with her, we aren't dating. Unfortunately. I care very deeply for her and she's the only person on this planet I would push out of the way of a train if, out of the two of us, I knew she'd be the only one to get out of the way in time, she'd be the only one I would leap in front of a bullet for, she'd be the only one I would burn to death in a house fire rescuing.

She doesn't know this, but I don't tell her because it would freak her out. See, she's very afraid of my kind. My kind is males in general.

She doesn't feel we are very close, yet the facts stand. We talk for upwards of 5 hours a day every day without hitting a lull in the conversation, we see each other at school, and though we're too afraid to talk to one another in person, we shoot sidelong glances at each other and *almost* talk when passing each other.

But she's afraid to let anyone close to her. She feels afraid to get attached to someone. I know I'm closer to her than enyone else because of the personal info we share, that she tells me, and I tell her. We know more about each other than any other person knows about either of us. But the thing is we're both deathly afraid of getting personal. I don't know why she's afraid, maybe it's the same reason as me. And my reason is my own. I apologize, but it's personal data I don't share with just anyone.

Here's a metaphor. Has your math teacher ever talked about two lines with constantly halving distances? Basically what that means is the distance between two lines will keep halving, making the lines get closer and closer together for all eternity. However, mathematically, no matter HOW close the lines get, they are never going to touch.

That's how I feel. Like I'm getting closer and closer to this girl, but never being able to make contact. it saddens, frustrates, and depresses me all at the same time. I don't know what to do. I'm trying everything. I know she doesn't want to give up, and neither do I. But it's kind of like she's been inside her shell so long she doesn't know HOW to get out of it, even though I can hear her screaming on the other side.

So please, help me. How can I make the lines touch? How can I help her open her shell? I don't know what to do, and I'm tearing myself apart trying to figure it out. "

Sincerely, a dumb boy with a heart of gold

Char says...

relationship advice Dear Friend

What strikes me first about your letter is that you appear to have an articluate writing style which suggests to me that you're a bit more clued up than what you may otherwise already think.

This girl sounds as though she could have been hurt previously or it could be that she just doesn't fancy you and is trying to be evasive so as not to hurt your feelings.

You say you talk for up to 5 hours a day? I'm assuming this is on the internet... being shy when you see someone is normal, at any age but especially when you're in your teens.

I'm afraid there's no magic word to get her to open up to the possibility of a relationship with you, but the fact that you're intimate with words with one another suggests that this isn't as much of a lost cause as one may at first suspect.

You are doing all the right things so far - you sound like you're aware of what girls need.

The thing is, that no matter what you do in life romance-wise, you'll inevitably hit heartache. Unless you want to remain single and alone for ever, it's one of life's certainties (along with death and taxes) that you'll experience hurt due to a direct result of being in or not in a relationship either through choice or force. That's how romance goes. Why do you think there are so many songs written about it, so many poets, so many books, films and sonnets? Love is a tricky and complicated emotion that no-one understands. Feelings are one of the most complex attributes that make up a human character and we can neither hide or deny them when they appear. Cest la vie!

You have to go with the flow, and rock to your tune. Never change yourself for anyone but you and only then, on your own say so.

Be afraid, yeah, of course, take it easy, take it slow but why deny yourself the potential love that could blossom between you both for the sake of a fear that may not even materialise?

Try to convey this to her, but do it slowly and naturally.

You'll both be fine, the question is, will it be with each other?

Good luck xx

Ashley says...

relationship advice Heart of Gold,

The Way of the Girl: You talk five hours a day = She knows you're fawny over her. But to say it upfront would 'freak her out' only because it would demolish her silently-established girl control.

To her, you are another girl friend. Believe me, if she found some hawt boy who made her panties moist, she'd get attached to him in a jiffy, fears of attachment or none.

This is not about constantly halving lines. This is about one constantly halving line. Yours. You are not going to win this girl's heart. She's not interested and honestly, if you really were interested, you'd do something about it.

A heart of gold is nothing without a pair of brass balls to boot.

Marty Says:
Well you have hit the nail on the head when you say dumb. you "talk" for five hours but when she sees you she ignores you. Ask her what the fuck that's all about. are you sure it's her you are "talking" too? I could be her mum or even worse her Dad. fuck knows with the net. If I was you I would have a good long look at myself and search for an anwser as to why the fuck you are sitting at a comp for 5 hours a day talking bollocks over the net? get a life you arsehole. you would take a bullet for her would you? save her from a train and all that, she dont like you! she wont even speak to you are you totally stupid. there is nothing wrong in liking some girl any girl but you have to face facts, she aint wringing out her knickers after "talking" to you. so aint got a chance.next time your online with her just drop in a quick line someting like this " u look so hot tday strangled the pope twice thinking bout ya" see what she says. its a coin flip she will either write back " fuck off you cunt" or you might get " thanks" if you get the thanks you are in. if its "fuck off you cunt" well even you can figure that out.
by the way have you ever considered that she might be different away from the net? most people are lying bastards

This a follow up from the last one. It comes from the same issue of Maxim as the last one and has Sophie exercising her genius again.
I returned from work the other week and found my girlgfriend on the sofa, vigorously masturbating with a vibrator. i know lots of blokes consider this kind of thing a turn on, but it upset me- it was as if she'd been unfaithful.
Colin Steele, York.

Sophie says:
Well, do you masturbate when she's not around? If you do, then you've got no cause for complaint. just remember that no vibrator can ever live up to the real thing, so dont worry about it- she was probably only using it because you weren't there!

Marty says:
Firstly Colin Steele what the fuck are you giving your full name for? Anyone in York who knows you or your girlfriend now will slag the shit out of you both. So in effect you have signed the death warrant on that relationship you knobhead. The most effective thing that you could have done there was pull out your old boy and started giving him a firm shake along with her, I would have thought that you would then have got a jump for sure. (Some people just cant think on thier feet)So you say that you think this is cheating on you do you? Well if you had come home and found some big bastard with a 10 incher doing her doggie style over the arm of the sofa that would have had the same effect would it? catch a grip dick head! of course it wouldn't she felt like a wank and got on with it, good on her. Have to say that personally i think that you are a bit of a knob and that Sophie's advice is a bit shit as well. A vibrator cant live up to the real thing. bullshit. If colin Steele's knob is a tiddler and the rampant rabbit is a monster then you better believe that it can. She is probably fed up with the sticleback and wanted the shark. You are so dumped so get over it.

This problem is taken from maxim magazine and is anwsered by that renowned expert on physchological problems,Sophie Howard (the page 3 model).
Ive been having trouble coming when I'm with a woman. My last girlfriend got so upset by this that she dumped me, and ever since then Ive faked it with girls. I desperatly want to sort this out, but what should I do?
Stefan, Wolverhampton

Sophie says:
Aww, thats quite sweet. It sounds like a psychological problem, so I'd try to forget about it as much as you can. Why not try abstaining from sex for a while to let the tension build up? Hopefully the sexual frustration will eventually turn in your favour when you finally get down to it, and then there'll be no holding you back!

Marty says:
How the fuck do you fake it? keep a pot of lukewarm yogurt hidden somewhere? really not sure how the hell you do it, dont they not notice there aint no wet bit? anyway what to do?
well Marty hates to go against the relationship genius that is Sophie big knockers but I have to go down the practice makes perfect route. Wank like your going to jail in the morn. Get on the ole net and find the best porn that can be had, pull like a pro. When the cork comes off, result! Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. After a while you will have masterly control. Never forget that sex is good but you cant beat the real thing. You never forget your first love!

A female , anonymous writes:
is there any way to make you last longer before an orgasm? cause when my guy goes down on me and i last like 30 seconds, its a little embarrassing ya know, any advice would be great!

A male reader

You didn't say how old you are or how long you'd been with your partner(s).

In an established relationship, a partner can sense when a woman is getting close, and back off (if that's what they've agreed to) to prolong her "high" and let her drop back away from that "edge" for a few minutes before he goes after it again. It takes a willing and sensitive partner to do this, and one who is willing to get to know you and your reactions intimately.

But believe me, it's worth it. I've kept my lady hovering right on the brink for really long times (once nearly an hour!) before I pushed her over into that big "O". The first time for the night, I mean. The second one is usually different, following a totally different path.

Marty writes.
What the fuck are you winging about. Most men last about 30 seconds and are as happy as a pig in shit. All this "prolonging the experience" shit from this guy. What a load of cock I would place money on the fact that that cunt very very rarely keeps her going for long times. If your rug munching for an hour then there is something wrong his end I can assure you. A fucking hour doing the same thing in the sack? away to fuck I'd be bored rigid and most women I know would have told him to get his finger out ( more probably in now that I think about it) and finish the job. She could have watched emmerdale and corrie in that time.

This one comes from dearcupid.com and it's not so much the question as the anwser that gets me. I'll tell you why at the end.

hey,

Ive resently had sex and it was with my bf and we didnt use a condom and how do i ask him that i want him to use one what shall i say???Please Help Me.

xxx

A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2007):

you buy a pk and when you two are about to be intimate just pull out the condom. Put a sexy develish face or pout whatever he likes and he'll do it. He'll do it. Your not being shy having sex, i don't see a reason to be shy in telling him what you want period. -Cheers

Marty's anwser.
the correct anwser to this one is. Dont ask! Fucking tell him! However since the author of this problem is 13 I think it is slightly disturbing that the female reader anwsered "Put on a sexy develish face". AT 13!?!?!?! What the fuck is that all about? Dont give me all that bollocks about them doing it anyway. What a load of shite. This dozy bitch is telling a girl of 13 to basically start vamping it up. If a bloke did that he would be jailed. And I bet that she wouldnt say to the wee girls face either. Unlike that thick bitch any advice that I give to anyone I would tell them straight no probs. So here is my advice to any girls of 13 who are thinking of having sex. DONT!!! simple. Job done.

This problem comes from the Daily Star on 26th of March
After an orgasmic love making session with my boyfriend, I was late for college and iForgot to put all my sex toys away.
My mu went into my room to change my bed and found vibrators and fluffy handcuffs all over the duvet.
She was so disgusted that she threw the whole lot in the bin. I'm furious-they cost a fortune.
Now she is saying that she doesnt want my boyfriend in the house again. I'm 19 and she's barely speaking to me.

Jane says: No mother likes to come face to face with the nitty gritty of ther daughters sex life.
No doubt your mother was very shocked and disgusted -and she has every right to be. After all, its her house and she can call the shots.
The best thing you can do right now is to apologise to your mum. Apologise for embarrassing her and for turning this subject into an issue. Allow her time to calm down and I'm sure that she will let your boyfriend back in the house eventually.

Marty says:
First off just let me say that you must be a right scruffy cow. How rushed were you that you forgot to put your dildo collection back into the drawer? If the house was on fire I might understand but being late for college just dont cut the mustard. What the fuck was your mum making your bed for any way ya lazy cow!

Secondly the use of the word "vibrators", indicates more than one. So I would hazard a guess that your mum is thinking " Where did she put them?" so from that she knows that you take it via the tradesmans. So now she knows that she has raised a bit of a goer. So little wonder that she aint speaking to you and doesnt want the boyfriend back in the house.

And finally you fail to mention what size the vibrators were. Your mum might have been alright if they were the small discreet ones but I am going to go out on a limb here and say that these things were from the purple punisher range. No mum wants to see that. So my advice would be this. Go and buy a dildo for your mum tell her she doesnt know what she is missing. Oh and tidy your own fucking room you lazy bitch.

This is taken from Cosmopolitan magazine

I Have Weird Sexual Dreams

Q I often have weird sexual dreams. In some of them, I fool around with my brother or my uncles. Other times, I dream about doing it with women. In real life, I'm heterosexual and have a great boyfriend who fulfills all my needs, physical and emotional. So what's up?

A Give yourself a break: They're just dreams. Dreaming is our mind's way of enabling us to do really naughty things, things we would never do in our waking life. You cannot blame yourself for dirty dreams your mind creates while the censor of your conscience is sound asleep. If they don't upset you, don't overflow into your daily life, and even afford a little mischievous pleasure -- then so what? Whom are they hurting? However, if, in spite of what you tell me, you are actually unhappy, unfulfilled, and frustrated in your waking hours, then by all means try to decipher the real meanings behind the messages your subconscious is sending you (chances are, they will not be what they appear to be). Sometimes nocturnal visions are serious business -- messages sent from the subconscious mind to alert you to repressed problems and hidden desires. When this is the case, and if you are troubled by your dreams, you will probably need expert help to decode and understand them. That is what a therapist does: He or she helps interpret and decipher what's going on.
Irma Kurtz

Right let me get this straight you are having wet dreams about shagging your family and Irma says not to worry. well let me congure up another scenario shall I? you are sitting in your living room one day when your Dad walks in "Hi honey" he says
"Hi Dad" you reply
" I had a dream about you last night"
" Did you ? what was it about?" you reply with niave curiosity
" Well it started with your mum heading off to the bingo and the house being empty, just me and you"
"Right-o Daddy"
"Then I asked if you wanted a cup of tea"
"Dad your dreams are really boring"
" well it liven up a bit after that coz i started singing old Gary Glitter numbers and rodgering you up the arse over the dining room table!"
"WHAT!!??!?!?" you respond
" Its okay tootsie Irma Kurtz from cosmo says it dont mean anything"

I think that might have a slight bearing on your relationship with your father somehow. See if it was a bloke that wrote that into Irma she would phone the police but since it was a bird it is just " a way of enabling us to do naughty things". You are a pervert girl and need help. So i have a thought since I am a agony uncle and you are having pervy dreams of doing the sloppy tango with a family member why not compromise. You could shag me! Nothing illegal nothing for the police to worry about and if you want to try the lesbo thingy i wouldnt mind indeed I will even offer my services as an independant observer. Now Irma never offered that service did she. I like to think I go that little bit more for my readers.

This is taken from the Mookychick.co.uk

Dear Mookychick,

Well, I have a boyfriend that I`ve been dating for about a month already && I really like him; but I'm not so sure if he feels the same about me. I have a job that pays me good money && sometimes I feel like he is only with me for the money. He has no job && he is about to get kicked out of his grandparents home because he doesn`t do nothing but skate all day. He doesn`t, at least, try to find a job. He tells me he puts in applications, but I know he lies to me because he is always with me. He is at my house from 12am to 11pm every fucking day!....&& as soon as he walks into the house he wants me to make him food or give him money. I have been spending my whole check on him since day one....&& I can`t even buy my ownself a pair of shoes because he wants a new skateboard!....Between the hours he is at my house we never get to spend time alone (except when we have sex or when he just wants to lay in bed && sleep) because he either wants to use my laptop or be in the room with my brothers. I just feel he is with me for the money , sex && food...but sometimes I blame myself because I had told him that if he ever needed anything he could come to me...but I never meant anything like this to happen. I wanted to be his second option when it came to money && shit like that....I just want him to at least try. I don`t know whether to leave him or stay with him. I really like him && I don`t want to lose him. He tells me he really likes me && he shows it but what if I'm just blind about all his bullshit! I mean, a lot of girls want him...&& when I'm around his friends` he shows me off && to the bitches that want him....but when the check comes around...I feel used. Please help.

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

Amanda says...

relationship advice Sorry to be frank, but this guy's using you. He's taking advantage of your kind nature and walking all over you. I'm assuming he's a real cool hottie and good in bed - why else would you waste time with him? Just because you said he could come to you if he needed anything, that doesn't make you his surrogate mum! The boy has to learn to grow up and stand on his own two feet. Sounds like you're getting bored with him, anyway, so perhaps it's time to give him the ultimatum - shape up or ship out! If you want to continue the relationship, stop giving him money and letting him hang around so much. Tell him you've put a deposit on something big and need to pay it off and haven't got time for his loitering. He sounds like he has no respect for you or himself!
Ashley says...

relationship advice Darling, you're being taken for a ride. Your instinct about him being with you for the money is probably right - he doesn't need to prioritize anything but grinding the rails, as you've made it clear you'll take care of him. It's emotional blackmail, and he probably justifies it by saying that if you're happy shelling out for him, then what's the problem? Or, if you REALLY loved him, you'd keep on funding his Funyuns and grip tape habit (which is bullshit). He wants a mommy and he wants to be an 11-year-old on permanent vacation. You're obviously smart enough to see how gank that position is. Don't blame yourself for offering your support - that's what people who care for each other do. What he's doing is taking full advantage of it. The only way he'll try is if he HAS to. Believe me, those other chicks wouldn't want him if they knew they'd be stuck like he has you, wiping his bum after him.

marty's response.

Oh dear oh dear. the age old problem of "am i being used?" well where can i start? you have been seeing this guy for a month and 1) you are spending all your money on him 2)he gets to shag you whenever he likes 3)he gets to use your laptop while you make him food 4)he gets on with your brothers and 5)you dont mind that he still uses a skateboard. Holy shit girl you got any sisters? You are a total meal ticket and the ideal girlfriend. Imagine what you will do when you two have been going out for a few years. The sex will be like something from a dodgy German porn flick, you wil be buying his carry outs and paying for his online poker and all he has to do is parade you about once in a while to his mates. You are one top notch chick. Hope to Christ girl you have good prospects because every bloke who reads this is gonna want to marry you. Those other two dizzy bitches who told you to leave him havent exactly been honest with you. Every bloke in the world wants a bird who will shag him silly, who will wipe his arse should he ask and pay for all the crap that he wants. you are the best girl in the world and I think you should start some kind of course to get more babes like you out there. Keep up the good work lassie

Marty

Dear Sherry
I am a 44 year old, attractive divorcee and work in publishing. My boyfriend of one year is handsome, kind, caring, steady, good to his family, good to me, has no ex-wives and no children. But, he is less educated than myself, works in a non-professional job and his grammar is an ongoing problem. I’ve been giving him grammar lessons, which have begun to grate on him. Generally, I'm more sophisticated than he is, and it bothers me, but I do love him. He wants to get married and I can’t make up my mind. Meanwhile I don't have much faith in what else is out there. Help!
M

Dear M
It's hard to break away from parental conditioning that tells us to look for men who will be good providers. It can be equally hard to break away from social conditioning that tells us the man on our arm should be a ‘trophy’ - that is, he looks good, and is presentable at dinner parties and family and business functions.

You say you ‘love’ this man, and I'm sure he's great, but the differences between you aren't going to just disappear. Imagine your life without him. Would you truly miss his company? Would you miss his insights, his humour, his empathy? Now imagine your life with him. Pretend you're married and the two of you bump into an old university friend. Do you proudly introduce your husband or inwardly shiver with embarrassment?

The moral is: Don't stay with him because you don’t think there’s anything better out there or because you hope he'll change. He's already getting tired of your grammar lessons, or is it nagging? You've got to be able to either love and accept this man for who he is, or allow both of you to move on.

MARTY'S ANWSER
Well fuck me I have heard it all now. There are any number of reasons to part ways with your partner. They could be violent, cheating , lazy, emotionally unattached but I have never heard of anyone spliting up because of bad vocabulary. What is it that really gets to her I wonder? The incorrect use of adjectives? The use of double negatives?
"I am generally more sophisticated than him", well fuck me aint you the girl. Must be great being so well educated and so intelligent that you can give grammar lessons to your boyfriend. If my Marie decided to "educate" me like that I'm afraid I would have to educate her on the noble art of going and fucking herself!What sort of relationship is that going to be when the bloke has to do comprehension exams, I could understand it if the bloke asked, or was in a job that required him to talk to people who would appreciate that sort of thing. Sales rep, Teacher or something like that but he has a "non-professional" job which I would take from your tone means he is a plumber or something along those lines. So what the fuck does he need proper grammar for?
I know, so you dont feel embarrassed around the dinner party with your ex- uni friends. I wish he was a drinker then when he got bladdered and pissed in the hosts plant pot while wearing one of her thongs on his head you would have something to worry about.
As for Sherry's anwser why cant she just tell this moron that " you are the one with the problem you stuck up toffee nosed cunt!" instead of saying
"It's hard to break away from parental conditioning that tells us to look for men who will be good providers" What the fuck has that to do with anything. For all Sherry knows the guy could be making a fortune. From my perception the snobby bitch wouldn't go out with him if he was skint, that wouldn't impress the neighbours very much. A woman who tries to teach her boyfriend grammar aint going to go on the bus with her boyfriend to go for a curry and a skinful I wouldnt have thought.