Agony Lad

A female , anonymous writes:
is there any way to make you last longer before an orgasm? cause when my guy goes down on me and i last like 30 seconds, its a little embarrassing ya know, any advice would be great!

A male reader

You didn't say how old you are or how long you'd been with your partner(s).

In an established relationship, a partner can sense when a woman is getting close, and back off (if that's what they've agreed to) to prolong her "high" and let her drop back away from that "edge" for a few minutes before he goes after it again. It takes a willing and sensitive partner to do this, and one who is willing to get to know you and your reactions intimately.

But believe me, it's worth it. I've kept my lady hovering right on the brink for really long times (once nearly an hour!) before I pushed her over into that big "O". The first time for the night, I mean. The second one is usually different, following a totally different path.

Marty writes.
What the fuck are you winging about. Most men last about 30 seconds and are as happy as a pig in shit. All this "prolonging the experience" shit from this guy. What a load of cock I would place money on the fact that that cunt very very rarely keeps her going for long times. If your rug munching for an hour then there is something wrong his end I can assure you. A fucking hour doing the same thing in the sack? away to fuck I'd be bored rigid and most women I know would have told him to get his finger out ( more probably in now that I think about it) and finish the job. She could have watched emmerdale and corrie in that time.

This one comes from dearcupid.com and it's not so much the question as the anwser that gets me. I'll tell you why at the end.

hey,

Ive resently had sex and it was with my bf and we didnt use a condom and how do i ask him that i want him to use one what shall i say???Please Help Me.

xxx

A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2007):

you buy a pk and when you two are about to be intimate just pull out the condom. Put a sexy develish face or pout whatever he likes and he'll do it. He'll do it. Your not being shy having sex, i don't see a reason to be shy in telling him what you want period. -Cheers

Marty's anwser.
the correct anwser to this one is. Dont ask! Fucking tell him! However since the author of this problem is 13 I think it is slightly disturbing that the female reader anwsered "Put on a sexy develish face". AT 13!?!?!?! What the fuck is that all about? Dont give me all that bollocks about them doing it anyway. What a load of shite. This dozy bitch is telling a girl of 13 to basically start vamping it up. If a bloke did that he would be jailed. And I bet that she wouldnt say to the wee girls face either. Unlike that thick bitch any advice that I give to anyone I would tell them straight no probs. So here is my advice to any girls of 13 who are thinking of having sex. DONT!!! simple. Job done.

This problem comes from the Daily Star on 26th of March
After an orgasmic love making session with my boyfriend, I was late for college and iForgot to put all my sex toys away.
My mu went into my room to change my bed and found vibrators and fluffy handcuffs all over the duvet.
She was so disgusted that she threw the whole lot in the bin. I'm furious-they cost a fortune.
Now she is saying that she doesnt want my boyfriend in the house again. I'm 19 and she's barely speaking to me.

Jane says: No mother likes to come face to face with the nitty gritty of ther daughters sex life.
No doubt your mother was very shocked and disgusted -and she has every right to be. After all, its her house and she can call the shots.
The best thing you can do right now is to apologise to your mum. Apologise for embarrassing her and for turning this subject into an issue. Allow her time to calm down and I'm sure that she will let your boyfriend back in the house eventually.

Marty says:
First off just let me say that you must be a right scruffy cow. How rushed were you that you forgot to put your dildo collection back into the drawer? If the house was on fire I might understand but being late for college just dont cut the mustard. What the fuck was your mum making your bed for any way ya lazy cow!

Secondly the use of the word "vibrators", indicates more than one. So I would hazard a guess that your mum is thinking " Where did she put them?" so from that she knows that you take it via the tradesmans. So now she knows that she has raised a bit of a goer. So little wonder that she aint speaking to you and doesnt want the boyfriend back in the house.

And finally you fail to mention what size the vibrators were. Your mum might have been alright if they were the small discreet ones but I am going to go out on a limb here and say that these things were from the purple punisher range. No mum wants to see that. So my advice would be this. Go and buy a dildo for your mum tell her she doesnt know what she is missing. Oh and tidy your own fucking room you lazy bitch.

This is taken from Cosmopolitan magazine

I Have Weird Sexual Dreams

Q I often have weird sexual dreams. In some of them, I fool around with my brother or my uncles. Other times, I dream about doing it with women. In real life, I'm heterosexual and have a great boyfriend who fulfills all my needs, physical and emotional. So what's up?

A Give yourself a break: They're just dreams. Dreaming is our mind's way of enabling us to do really naughty things, things we would never do in our waking life. You cannot blame yourself for dirty dreams your mind creates while the censor of your conscience is sound asleep. If they don't upset you, don't overflow into your daily life, and even afford a little mischievous pleasure -- then so what? Whom are they hurting? However, if, in spite of what you tell me, you are actually unhappy, unfulfilled, and frustrated in your waking hours, then by all means try to decipher the real meanings behind the messages your subconscious is sending you (chances are, they will not be what they appear to be). Sometimes nocturnal visions are serious business -- messages sent from the subconscious mind to alert you to repressed problems and hidden desires. When this is the case, and if you are troubled by your dreams, you will probably need expert help to decode and understand them. That is what a therapist does: He or she helps interpret and decipher what's going on.
Irma Kurtz

Right let me get this straight you are having wet dreams about shagging your family and Irma says not to worry. well let me congure up another scenario shall I? you are sitting in your living room one day when your Dad walks in "Hi honey" he says
"Hi Dad" you reply
" I had a dream about you last night"
" Did you ? what was it about?" you reply with niave curiosity
" Well it started with your mum heading off to the bingo and the house being empty, just me and you"
"Right-o Daddy"
"Then I asked if you wanted a cup of tea"
"Dad your dreams are really boring"
" well it liven up a bit after that coz i started singing old Gary Glitter numbers and rodgering you up the arse over the dining room table!"
"WHAT!!??!?!?" you respond
" Its okay tootsie Irma Kurtz from cosmo says it dont mean anything"

I think that might have a slight bearing on your relationship with your father somehow. See if it was a bloke that wrote that into Irma she would phone the police but since it was a bird it is just " a way of enabling us to do naughty things". You are a pervert girl and need help. So i have a thought since I am a agony uncle and you are having pervy dreams of doing the sloppy tango with a family member why not compromise. You could shag me! Nothing illegal nothing for the police to worry about and if you want to try the lesbo thingy i wouldnt mind indeed I will even offer my services as an independant observer. Now Irma never offered that service did she. I like to think I go that little bit more for my readers.

This is taken from the Mookychick.co.uk

Dear Mookychick,

Well, I have a boyfriend that I`ve been dating for about a month already && I really like him; but I'm not so sure if he feels the same about me. I have a job that pays me good money && sometimes I feel like he is only with me for the money. He has no job && he is about to get kicked out of his grandparents home because he doesn`t do nothing but skate all day. He doesn`t, at least, try to find a job. He tells me he puts in applications, but I know he lies to me because he is always with me. He is at my house from 12am to 11pm every fucking day!....&& as soon as he walks into the house he wants me to make him food or give him money. I have been spending my whole check on him since day one....&& I can`t even buy my ownself a pair of shoes because he wants a new skateboard!....Between the hours he is at my house we never get to spend time alone (except when we have sex or when he just wants to lay in bed && sleep) because he either wants to use my laptop or be in the room with my brothers. I just feel he is with me for the money , sex && food...but sometimes I blame myself because I had told him that if he ever needed anything he could come to me...but I never meant anything like this to happen. I wanted to be his second option when it came to money && shit like that....I just want him to at least try. I don`t know whether to leave him or stay with him. I really like him && I don`t want to lose him. He tells me he really likes me && he shows it but what if I'm just blind about all his bullshit! I mean, a lot of girls want him...&& when I'm around his friends` he shows me off && to the bitches that want him....but when the check comes around...I feel used. Please help.

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

Amanda says...

relationship advice Sorry to be frank, but this guy's using you. He's taking advantage of your kind nature and walking all over you. I'm assuming he's a real cool hottie and good in bed - why else would you waste time with him? Just because you said he could come to you if he needed anything, that doesn't make you his surrogate mum! The boy has to learn to grow up and stand on his own two feet. Sounds like you're getting bored with him, anyway, so perhaps it's time to give him the ultimatum - shape up or ship out! If you want to continue the relationship, stop giving him money and letting him hang around so much. Tell him you've put a deposit on something big and need to pay it off and haven't got time for his loitering. He sounds like he has no respect for you or himself!
Ashley says...

relationship advice Darling, you're being taken for a ride. Your instinct about him being with you for the money is probably right - he doesn't need to prioritize anything but grinding the rails, as you've made it clear you'll take care of him. It's emotional blackmail, and he probably justifies it by saying that if you're happy shelling out for him, then what's the problem? Or, if you REALLY loved him, you'd keep on funding his Funyuns and grip tape habit (which is bullshit). He wants a mommy and he wants to be an 11-year-old on permanent vacation. You're obviously smart enough to see how gank that position is. Don't blame yourself for offering your support - that's what people who care for each other do. What he's doing is taking full advantage of it. The only way he'll try is if he HAS to. Believe me, those other chicks wouldn't want him if they knew they'd be stuck like he has you, wiping his bum after him.

marty's response.

Oh dear oh dear. the age old problem of "am i being used?" well where can i start? you have been seeing this guy for a month and 1) you are spending all your money on him 2)he gets to shag you whenever he likes 3)he gets to use your laptop while you make him food 4)he gets on with your brothers and 5)you dont mind that he still uses a skateboard. Holy shit girl you got any sisters? You are a total meal ticket and the ideal girlfriend. Imagine what you will do when you two have been going out for a few years. The sex will be like something from a dodgy German porn flick, you wil be buying his carry outs and paying for his online poker and all he has to do is parade you about once in a while to his mates. You are one top notch chick. Hope to Christ girl you have good prospects because every bloke who reads this is gonna want to marry you. Those other two dizzy bitches who told you to leave him havent exactly been honest with you. Every bloke in the world wants a bird who will shag him silly, who will wipe his arse should he ask and pay for all the crap that he wants. you are the best girl in the world and I think you should start some kind of course to get more babes like you out there. Keep up the good work lassie

Marty